Divorce, Remarriage & Aging Families

Divorce, Remarriage & Aging Families

This topic is very personal to me because my parents were divorced just a few years ago. Currently my Mom is about to be remarried very soon.

When a husband and wife decide to divorce it affects more than just them. Their children, family, and friends are all affected.

"Is divorce ever good for you? Is it ever good for children? In the short run, the answer to both questions is no for most people. We say "most" because there are cases in which divorce can be a health-saving or even a life-saving event for an abused wife. It can be a form of social and emotional deliverance for a child victimized by a highly conflicted family life. Some marriages should not last."

"At the same time, many marriages end that could have turned out to be satisfying. According to Waite and Gallagher (2000), the majority of couples who are unhappy can work through their problems and have a happy union within five years. Of course, this means that a minority won't be happy even if they try to work through their problems. In the long run, then, the answer to the question of whether divorce is ever good for you varies. The question of whether divorce is ever good for you varies. The question of whether a divorce would be good for you or whether it would be good for your children is not easy to answer."

When my parents were in the divorce proceedings I was 17, almost 18, so I knew exactly what was happening and why it was happening. What made things difficult for me is that my Mom and I had just moved to Florida to be with my Father again after he had been working out of state for 6 years. As my Mom and Dad had just bought a house and finished making the needed repairs he asked for a divorce. My Mom came back to Virginia to pick me up after some scout and youth events. We had a very long and quiet drive to my sisters house in Richmond to tell her which was very painful. The drive to Florida was also very long and quiet. I ended up driving 10 of the 15 hours so my Mom could sleep since she hadn't slept in a couple days. 

So here I was in a new home, in a new state, with no friends, alone with my Mom left to clean up the mess that my Father had just created. Ultimately I ended up growing more in that year than any other time previously but not before I suffered through many hardships with my Mom. We were left to unpack all of our belongings only to stage our home so it can be sold. Any repairs that needed to be done were only done to sell the house. We felt as if we couldn't really move into this wonderful home that we loved because we were already preparing to list it for sale.

My sisters took the divorce much worse than I did. To this day one sister hasn't really talked to my Dad in three years. My other sister still yells over the phone if they do talk. Then there is me stuck in the middle. My Dad was my best friend, we did so many things together. He taught me to drag race and work on cars. Trying to maintain the relationship that we had as well as being the only family member talking to him made me the middle man for the whole family.

This is why I don't advocate for divorce is almost every circumstance although there are warranted cases. No family or children should have to experience what I had to go through.  

Parenting

Parenting

Becoming a parent involves raising a child and that job lasts forever. There are many different ways to raise children and everyone has a different strategy. The way we parent today is very different from how our ancestors raised children.



As Dr. Leonard Sax mentions, " the recent collapse of parenting, which he says is at least partly to blame for kids becoming overweight, overmedicated, anxious and disrespectful of themselves and those around them." Parenting has become less about raising children and more about pleasing children to keep them happy. Having upset children is difficult for parents to deal with so giving them something to please them is an easy option. Making deals or letting children get away with disobedience is corrupting children's ability to be raised by parents.



"In this way, what happens over a meal is a metaphor for how uncomfortable parents have become in their position as the “alpha” or “pack leader” or “decider” of the family—the boss, the person in charge. The grown-up." Many parents struggle to be in charge of their family. From the first time they cave in to give the child what it wants they lose control.



"Parents also want a democratic household where each family member has a say about what happens—Should we go outside now? Are we ready to have a bath? Would you like to have the party here?—and they cultivate independence and freedom of thought in their children. Strict obedience used to be praised; now it is seen as outdated and potentially dangerous. Compliance might mean your kid is a pushover, which no parent wants, especially as bullying has spread from the schoolyard to cyberspace.

There are broader influences shifting the parent-child dynamic as well. Over the past half-century or more, the public has come to scorn power imbalances based on gender, race, religion and sexual orientation, and historic gains have been achieved in the pursuit of equality. Even corporations are now replacing pyramidal management with “flat organization.” In Western society, where equality for everyone has become a cultural objective and a constitutional right, children are treated like they are one more minority group to honour and empower. “Empower has come to seem virtuous,” Sax says. “Empower everyone, why not?” " The way we lead our family impacts our children. We need to make sure that children have a place in our family and that doesn't include leading the family in decisions. They can have a say but should not be a sole decision maker.



"The evolution hasn’t been easy, though. “We’re trying to pull off the emotion coaching but we haven’t received the training,” says Nair. “It’s like teaching your kids to speak French while you’re learning it in the textbook.” Parents have made it a top priority that their kids feel heard and respected from a young age. They want to be emotionally available to them, and for their children to be able to express their own emotions. “Kids have permission to have tantrums now because [they’re] learning how to manage feelings,” says Nair. “Someone said to me, ‘Are we seeing more tantrums now than we used to?’ And I wonder.” " It is perfectly fine for kids to have tantrums and show emotions. Growing up requires managing emotions and behaving appropriately.



Raising children is a vital part of being a parent. There are many issues with modern parenting styles, but we need to remained focus on the main goal, raising children. Whichever way is decided by the parents will have an effect on the child no matter what. There will always be some good and some bad effects. 

Fathers and Finances

Fathers and Finances

A father is responsible for many things in a family. For many people that includes working, managing finances, and presiding over the home. 

As The Family: A Proclamation To The World states, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed."

Some families are a little different and some roles are given to the mother that may normally be given to a father and some of the father's typical roles may be given to a mother. This was the case in my family since finances were all managed by my mother because she was an accountant and was very good with budgets. My Father focused primarily on working to provide for the family since his work required him to make several trips to Asia every year. So for me not all fathers have to be in charge of finances but all fathers should be involved in some way with the finances of the family.

A major role of the father is to provide, meaning work to get income for the family's needs. It can be a tricky topic especially in 2020. In a patriarch centered household the woman would stop working to raise children while the man continues to work. Lately many women have felt that it should be the other way around because they want to fight for equal rights. While a woman working to support a family is not wrong it can have serious effects on the children. In my not so professional opinion many fathers cannot care for a child the way a mother can. Mothers have a God given gift or a talent that allows them to have the needed compassion and sympathy required to raise a child and teach them. When most people think of a man they think of manly traits like strong or emotionless but that's not always the case. Women just tend to have a better ability to nurture by God's design.

While fathers have some unique roles that are different than a mothers role they still work together. "Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations."

Raising children is one of the most important parts of being a father. Having a kid is what makes a man a father after all. Even though a father may work during the weekdays he is still responsible for raising the children and teaching correct values just as much as a mother is. A father will teach a young man how to honor and use the priesthood worthily. He may even teach his children how to drive or make repairs around the house. Any of the skills that the father posses it is his responsibility to teach his children how to use. Even teaching how to use the talents that the children have can be a responsibility for the father.

Fathers have many roles and responsibilities in the family and they can vary widely depending on the family and the circumstances. The most important thing is that a father is present and willing to serve the family in any capacity.

Communication

Communication

"When I use a word," said Humpty Dumpty in Lewis Carroll's Through the Looking-Glass, "it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less." But Humpty Dumpty was mistaken. We would all like for our words to mean exactly what we choose for them to mean, in the sense that those who hear us understand us perfectly. However, communication is a complicated process. We will define communication as the use of language and nonverbal signs to create shared meaning between two or more people. But the meaning the meaning we convey to others depends on more than our intention."

Communication is an important part in family relations. It can be a determining factor in a healthy relationship. Having good communication can help a couple or family better share ideas and goals as well as important decisions and feelings with one another. 

"Much of the satisfaction and dissatisfaction of marriage and family life is rooted in the way that people communicate. In fact, a four-nation (Brazil, Italy, Taiwan, and the United States) study reported that constructive communication is positively associated with satisfaction in romantic relationships in these countries."

"When most people use the term communication, they probably are thinking of verbal communication, the use of words to convey our ideas to others." This form of communication is one of the most prevalent today. We use language to talk with one another and to share our thoughts and ideas. We use different forms of words to convey different feelings or meanings.

Verbal communication is only one of many types of communication we use today. We have many forms of nonverbal communication today include various types of electronic communications like email or texting. Our body language also shows emotion. 

Another big part of communication besides how we do it is how it is received by another individual. We all think differently which means we also all interpret things slightly differently. A husband could be acting normal yet a wife could be interpreting his body language as bored or not amused. When we talk we often speak differently around different people. We don't use slang around a university professor and we don't text our friends with perfect grammar.  We choose to switch our communication around different people because we want to be understood clearly. If we used slang around a university professor they might think we are careless or uneducated whereas if we used proper grammar with our friends they would think we are being snobs and trying to be more proper than them.

A good portion of communication is listening because only one person can speak at a time while everyone else must listen. As I served a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints I learned to become a good listener. By better listening to people I could better understand the situation they were in and what I could do or say to better help them. If we don't listen we can't interpret what is being said. Listening makes responding more effective and they better someone gets at listening and picking up on the various types of communication the better that person can respond to the other.

Communicating as a couple or between family members is crucial in making good relationship. In my family some struggle to communicate which directly affects our relationship. If I don't what is going on I don't know what I can do or say to help. My Mom and I talk several times and day and are very open with one another. Because we keep each other informed we continue to grow our relationship even from afar.

Family Stress

Family Stress

"Have you ever experienced what you would call a family crisis? If so, what was the nature of that crisis? What caused it? If you posed these questions to other people, you might hear of some differing kinds of crises than you have experienced. In any case, crises are closely linked with stressful events and/or behavior."

Oddly enough my family has had plenty of stress throughout various situations. I'll share a few stories and how my family was able to work through the stress. 

Every family and individual goes through different kinds of stress because there are many different situations that create it. 

In my family I have a sister that was rebellious and she wanted to have a different lifestyle than how she was raised. In college she got pregnant outside of marriage and it threw my family for a loop. We weren't quite sure how to handle the situation. It was a foreign situation to us. There was a lot of stress involving the father, the child's future, the finances, and so much more. It was a very emotional few months as we figured out how to process this shocking change in family dynamics. It took us a long time to work through our emotions.

On churchofjesuschrist.org this story is available and it really explains how to overcome emotions.

"Will emotional trauma ever go away? Addressing it with a professional counselor, praying to God, and talking with trusted friends can ease some pain. In this video Brittany shares her experience with God’s grace and her emotional trauma.

When Brittany was a young teenager, her parents got divorced. The feelings of abandonment were overwhelming. Deeply hurt and longing for acceptance, she ended up in an abusive relationship. Alcohol, starving, and self-harming were just some of the ways in which she tried to cope. But everything she did took her to darker places.

Brittany never felt good enough or lovable enough. It was as if she deserved to be left alone. But one night, while her friends partied, she realized she could not deal with her emotional trauma alone. Alcohol hadn’t helped in the past, and it wouldn’t help now. A thought occurred to her that the Savior, Jesus Christ, could help work through the pain. She wanted to change her life and take the Savior’s hand.

It took time for Brittany to understand her value. Regular therapy visits, prayer, and talking with loved ones helped. Now Brittany consistently works through her trauma in healthier ways."

Also on churchofjesuschrist.org is a great explanation of working through stress.

"As you begin any new experience (like joining the Church or attending a new school), you feel excited about the opportunity—and nervous because you don’t know quite what to expect. Over time you learn to meet these challenges, and you grow in the process.

Missions are no different. Sometimes a mission feels like a wonderful spiritual adventure—or at least a challenge you can handle. You calmly move forward with faith, realizing that much of the nervousness or worry you experience is temporary. You take courage in knowing you will adjust with time, grow spiritually, and develop many new skills. Experiences you once feared become more manageable. You even come to cherish aspects of missionary life that once felt overwhelming. You rely on the Spirit, grow in confidence, and find joy in your service."

Through the discovery of my depression to the divorce of my parents I have needed the spirit to help me overcome my stress. Having stress is normal and be able to cope with it is a need tool today. Without the ability to cope with stress our lives will spiral out of control.

Sexual Intimacy

Sexual Intimacy

Within marriage, sexual intimacy is a special bond between a husband and wife. There is healthy and unhealthy sexual intimacy characteristics that Laura Brotherson shares in her article “Raising the Bar on Intimate Relationships” that I want to go through. Let’s start with some of the unhealthy characteristics that could be present in a relationship.

First is being uncomfortable, ashamed, critical, or embarrassed with either your body or your partners body. There is no reason to hide these emotions when you can discuss them with your partner or even a counselor. These emotions or thoughts could be just covering up the real issues in the relationship.

Non-sexual affection only as a precursor to sex is also another big issue. This is portrayed a lot in society today especially in media. Also going along with this issue is expecting sex. Having the expectation for sex doesn’t support a real relationship rather it promotes a relationship like cohabitation with the goal of having sex. 

Unrestrained and impulse gratification can also cause issues in a relationship as it shows no control or no regard for a healthy boundary. Performance-based intimacy will only lead to disappointment. 

Being detached mentally and emotionally will have the same effect as the unrestrained relationship in a sense. This can be like being uneducated or even uninformed. Being taught negatively about sexual intimacy can result in false expectations or disappoint in the relationship. 

Having a one-dimensional relationship means that one person in the relationship is not attempting to have a connection with their partner. No mental, emotional, or spiritual connection with their significant other. 

When only one spouse initiates or puts forward the effort to have sexual intimacy this can create feelings on pressure or depression. 

Being self-centered will most definitely hurt the relationship as a healthy relationship requires two people not just one person.

Those are some of the negative characteristics of sexual intimacy and now we can talk about some of the good qualities.

Being accepting, embracing, and comfortable with your body is key to having a good body image and confidence in yourself.

Having affection not tied to sex creates a strong relationship outside of sexual intimacy. It creates an intimate relationship at all times with a strong connection to one another. 

God gave us agency and a close relationship doesn’t change that. Each partner in a relationship should have agency to do as they please within reason. This could be allowing alone time and time with friends. Having agency in a relationship will look different to everyone but having it is a crucial part of a healthy relationship.

Having bridled, restrained, and respectful passion is not only good but can enhance the sexual intimacy of a relationship. Knowing when to and not to engage in sexual activity and how to properly show affection is a great way to show respect to one another.

Having a connection-based relationship creates a strong bond between the two in the relationship. Being present and engaged is also a critical part of having a good relationship. No one likes a space cadet especially in relationships.

Being informed and educated is also great for communication about sensitive matters like sexual intimacy.

Having a multi-dimensional relationship can improve the overall health as well as sexual intimacy. Having the connection between mental, emotional, and spiritual things helps the relationship be something more than just sex.

Being healthy with sexual intimacy requires mutual effort or mutual initiation. Both partners must work together to create a healthy relationship not just one person.

Probably one of the best things to summarize a healthy relationship is mutuality. Being together on everything and becoming one in the relationship.

Transitions in Marriage

Transitions in Marriage

Marriage is a magical experience for many young adults. Little girls dream about their wedding day and getting married and boys dread being tied down! At the end of the day a young couple getting married is one of the highlights of their life. But getting married isn’t as simple as finding the right person and living with them for the rest of your life. It requires lots of big decisions and compromises. Two people from usually very different lifestyles coming together to be married comes with a lot of differences between them.

The differences can come as early as dating. The partner will most likely have varying interests and opinions from hobbies to politics and everything in-between. The couple must decide what they are gong to change to be with one another. Compromise is a part of any relationship even with things like politics. If the couple disagrees on politics, they may need to agree to not discuss them or only discuss certain aspects of politics without affiliating to a political party.

Once these beginning differences are sorted and the couple can still function together then they look towards marriage which once again brings in another transition. This transition is different from the dating phase. With the goal of marriage, the couple needs to better understand one another and determine where they see their relationship going. The roles of boyfriend and girlfriend become the roles of husband and wife. The Family A Proclamation To The World teaches us about these important roles. “THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.”

How well couples can transition to these roles can determine the strength of the relationship early on. The husband and wife work together to create and raise a family. Each person has a different role in the relationship and the family but when they work together, they become a strong family.
Men and women have different transitions as they prepare for and become married. As a man getting married being able to support your wife and future family becomes a huge concern. Living the bachelor life with wasteful spending on hobbies and eating out needs to cease or at least slow down.

A woman needs to prepare to become a wife and future mother. Women have many options when getting married. Different situations warrant different needs for the woman in the relationship. With a struggling couple the wife could go to work to raise more money to help support the couple or family. Another common option for women is to stay home and be homemakers. With couples and families that are well off financially the woman could choose to stay home and take care of the children and home as the husband works to provide for the family.

These transitions are important to the new couple since they can be a huge factor on the health of the relationship and the future the couple has together.